The Terrible Twenties No. 002


changing yourself

There’s some age old argument about the possibility and inevitability of changing oneself. I have thought about this subject for the better part of my entire life and still don’t have a major conclusion. The only distinct denouement I have come to find is that whether or not a person believes they are capable of change in a deep internal level seems to be fluid. Meaning I have changed my mind on this several times through the 23 years I have been around and have still not been able to stick with an answer.

Sometimes I believe I am who I am. We all are who we are and daggummit, you had better just accept me as I am or move yourself on. I am Rachel. I am this. I am that. I believe this and am like that and that’s all there is to it. If I am going to change it certainly isn’t going to be because of you (mom, boyfriend, teacher, friend, spirit animal) and it will only occur when it is natural for me to progress into a new stage.

Then I hit stages like the one I am in now, where I find something or someone who makes me want to be different. Not completely different, just a little different. Like a brighter, shinier, more agreeable and less asshole version of myself. Still Rachel, but maybe a little more stylized.

I’m writing this because I want to change and I know that it won’t be easy. Indeed, I am already changing as I am writing. I have recently found something about my character, an innate thing. Something that has always been there; the stone within. I want it to change and evolve and become something more precious than a rock, but it’s been a rock for so long, with so many people trying to motivate me to carve this rock into a diamond and so much of me saying “well that just isn’t possible. i am a rock and that is that.”

I’m writing to remind myself that I can change. I can improve. I do have the ability to sculpt out this figure that is myself, at least to some degree.

The hard part about change is so obvious – there’s usually not immediate results. I think that’s why we go about insisting that we are who we are. Change isn’t easy, but we all knew that, right? Here is my devotional. I have found a reason to be better and thusly I am going to work for it instead of being bull-headed and resisting. I hope you try doing it too. You can change those things that hold you back. You just have to accept that you can and from there, it’s all downhill. After you decide to change, it’s just a matter of time and being consistent.


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