It’s been a while.
I wonder how often people go through these times, or maybe what kind of people go through these times; these period shifts in life. The kinds of shift where you can’t lift a finger to write a blog post, or move your feet and go to the gym. You become utterly undisciplined. For me, they feel a bit like slumps, but also a bit like exploration. I find myself sitting on the couch more, being grumpier at work, hoping for change, grasping in the dark. I spent 10 months feeling solid. I was strong as hell, man. I was not floating, I was not wading, I was swimming full speed in the ocean. I was jumping ship and powering through the sea and then… and then I wasn’t anymore.
Sometimes people talk about it in terms of the stars, mercury in retrograde, a full moon. I like those thoughts, but my slumps seem to last many full-moons. I lose friends, push-away relationships, I’m outwardly surly, I spend a lot more time alone. I stop connecting with my body, I overspend, eat terribly and not regularly. I am just as much me as the determined and passionate me is, don’t get me wrong. It’s not as though I am not acting like myself, it’s just another part of myself.
My mom calls it floating. She tells me to stop trying to swim. Just throw your arms out and float. I feel guilty about it, but I feel guilt about a lot of things all the time. I want to bounce back. I know I need to. I hope I can soon.
See you guys again in the near future, once I’m able to pull myself out of the dark side.