I’m still reeling from the past 1.5 years of my life. I’ve mentioned if before, but this has been one of the hardest periods of my 24 years of existence. I have dealt with a family member dying, my mom and step-dad getting divorced, losing my job, starting my own freelance business, going into severe debt, a relationship ending, my childhood dog dying, my larger family all but disintegrating, a suicidal sibling, a sibling in jail, infidelity, severe heartache, moving, my dog having a major surgery after being attacked, turmoil in friendships… You name it, I’ve been through it in the past year.
Emotions such as jealousy, pain, uncertainty, betrayal, rejection and fear have been prevalent in my recent past. Some days I feel totally fine and keep my head down and work the day away, despite not knowing what I want to do with my life, feeling like everything is spiraling out of control and in general not knowing up from down. Other days are more difficult and I have to remind myself that I am not alone in this huge world, even though it sure can feel like it.
I am slowly learning how to move past all of the trauma of the year and I have gone from being face down, to pulling myself up onto my knees to a slow crawl. I hope to get on my feet and walk and then jog and then sprint like I did before. It’s funny how much of yourself you lose and how much of yourself you find when you go through so much in such a short period of time.
I have found beautiful things that I didn’t know existed, buried under a lot of pain. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself and others. I have definitely had more core shaken and feel a little like the shadow of the person I used to be.
I’ll tell you one thing though, I’m tough. I had to get tough. I’m also okay. I have hope that I will find my way again. I have hope that I will continue learning and getting stronger.
I try and make it through every day, doing the very best that I can and trying not to compare myself to others around me. I am learning to love and trust a little bit at a time and I am working really hard even though sometimes I don’t really know what I am working toward. I am being honest with myself. I am trying to be kind to myself. I’m listening more closely and trying to be more present in the moments I am living. I am remembering that I am older and wiser with every day that I live. I am trying to be patient.
I hope you guys all stay tough when things get hard.